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LEADERS: -7 Yang (7), Barnes (6), McIlroy -6 Choi (2), Quiros (1) -4 Kuchar -3 Schwartzel (12) + seven others Stewart in Liverpool via text: "RE: Paul in Kent. If the rule came in last year, doesn't that mean Andy was wrong and Will was wrong, which means you're wrong too, but Steve was originally right? Erm, where am I?"
My head hurts. Seriously.
BBC Sport's Rob Hodgetts on Twitter: "We've co-leaders in Pants (in US sense) of the Day contest: Donald (purple/green tartan), Poulter (blue/white check), Hoffman (lurid green)."Hoffman again you see? We're creating a legend here, people.
LEADERS: -7 Yang (6), McIlroy, Quiros -6 Barnes (5) -5 Choi -4 Schwartzel (11), Kuchar -3 Couples (3), Casey (2) + five others Paul in Kent via text: "Andy had it wrong, the rules came in last July, 2010, so proper nouns are now allowed, Will was right."
The counter blows rain in. What a debate this is.
Scrabble-gate continues apace. Stuart, Sweltering in Camden, via text: "Our Charley [Hoffman] is the second most searched for Charley on Google. This guy has become a legend in a single afternoon..."
Top work all round people, top work.
LEADERS: -7 Yang (5), McIlroy, Quiros -6 Barnes (4) -5 Choi -4 Kuchar -3 Schwartzel (9) + seven others
LEADERS:-7 Yang (4), McIlroy, Quiros -5 Choi, Barnes (2) -4 Kuchar-3 Schwartzel + seven others
Incredible. Will, in a surprisingly sunny Manchester, via text: "RE: Steve in Soho: Oh Sam you've been done like a kipper there, people names are of course illegal tender in Scrabble!"
An insight into Will's crazy social life, there. 1456: No, I'm not Yang-king your chain, Korean star YE Yang has just picked up another shot at three to move to six under and third place on his own. Birdie, too, for Charl Schwartzel - this time at eight - to move him back up to his overnight three under, but it's not so great for another Korean Kim Kyung-Tae, who has slipped to one under with a bogey-bogey run at six and seven. Shame.
LEADERS: -7 McIlroy, Quiros -6 Yang (3) -5 Choi -4 Barnes, Kuchar 1451: Anyone else worried Andrew Cotter's lost it?
BBC Sport's Andrew Cotter on Twitter: "Ha ha.... good job Randy! Looks like the I-20 is a no go..... Back to sports and Iayyn Poulter from Great England is getting hot hot hot out at Augusta. Three birds and a par and the dog moves to minus 1 total. That's your sports. Kicking back now with The Doobie Brothers..." Sad but true. Probably. I'm not going to check if I'm honest.
BBC Sport's Rob Hodgetts on Twitter: "The pin positions are generally tougher today - tucked towards edges. Front left on 13 close to creek, 16th front right, 9th back left, 6th back left." LEADERS: -7 McIlroy, Quiros -5 Yang (2), Choi -4 Barnes, Kuchar 1437: YE Yang is back on track after a birdie at two, he is the leader on the course at five under, while Ian Poulter's birdie run ends at four with a par. I'm pretty sure he'd have taken that opening at the start of play. American Zach Johnson, meanwhile, birdies the second having bogeyed it yesterday to move to level for the round, but compatriot Craig Stadler is struggling. Badly. He is now 10 over and already considering a weekend break to his holiday home in Bognor. Tom B, Manchester, via text: "Hoff fact no.8: His wikipedia page is receiving a record number of hits today, although the previous record was possibly about 6..."
Sam Lyon - starmaker.
BBC Sport's Ken Brown on Twitter: "Today - the pin on the 13th is front. Some will think "My heart says go, but the mind say no!" It's in the position where Tiger putted into the creek!" David, bored (obviously), via text: "Surely Craig (below) is confusing his Hoffs? Fabricated or not, aren't we talking Charley here, not THE Hoff?"Man I hope his story was about Charley. Really hope. 1422: Cracking opening from Ian Poulter - he makes it birdie-birdie at the second to move to level par. The Englishman looks pumped. Elsewhere, close... but no cigar (boom boom) for Spaniard Miguel Angel Jimenez as he opens up his second round with a bogey at the first to drop to level par for the tournament, while Swede Peter Hanson, taking time out from his recording studio duties, has followed his par at the first with a birdie and a bogey. Meanwhile, Jose Maria Olazabal, the last European winner of the Masters in 1999, opens up with a par. Anon via text: "Hoff fact no.7: Charley has a BSc in Communications."
So dull, it must be true. 1414: Charley Hoffman update - the new text commentary favourite is still one over for the tournament, the American one under for the round after a run of four pars. Anyone think he might celebrate a Masters win with a dash across the beach and into the surf, boogie board tucked under his arm? Just me? Right. Unsteady start from overnight contender YE Yang, meanwhile, the Korean dropping a shot at the first to slip to four under, three off the lead.
LEADERS: -7 McIlroy, Quiros -5 Choi -4 Yang (1), Barnes, Kuchar Craig, in the office clock watching, via text: "Hoff fact no.6: I sat next to the great man on a flight to Australia. A flight attendant asked him for an autograph, with which he pulled a stack of glossy A4 pictures of himself from his hand luggage stating... "I never have enough of these". Absolute legend."
Love it. 1407: Kim Kyung-Tae birdies the second, moving the Korean star up to three under and a share of seventh alongside South African Trevor Immelman, who has landed a par four at the first. Also, poor from me - I've mis-numbered your Hoff facts! Woeful. Now, even though I'm sure 97.6% are fabricated, you may want to refresh to restore order. Or, you know, not. Whatever.
Intriguing. 1351: "Mmmbop his way up the leaderboard"... hahahaha... ah I do make myself laugh. 1349: Ah. Schwarztel's hopes of making an early push while the front-runners enjoy a lie-in take a bit of a kick in the Charls with a bogey four at the par-three fourth (the Flowering Crab Apple, no less). Sweden's Peter Hanson, meanwhile, gets going with a par at the first - will he be hoping to Mmmbop his way up the leaderboard today I wonder?
LEADERS: -7 McIlroy, Quiros -5 Choi, Yang -4 Barnes, Kuchar Todd, stuck in the library, via text: "Hoff fact no.2: The Hoff's middle name is Lindley."
Brilliant.
Fascinating. 1313: Steady start for Ian Woosnam, the veteran Welshman hoping for an improved round today after a torrid six-over-par 78 yesterday. He kicks off with a par four at Tea Olive - the launchpad for an assault on the leaders, for sure. Ish.
LEADERS: -7 McIlroy, Quiros -5 Choi, Yang -4 Barnes, Kuchar
BBC Sport's Rob Hodgetts on Twitter: "Heard good yarn on way in. Phil Mickelson went to drive-in for certain donut emporium in Green Jacket with kids on way to airport last year. Anyway, here at Augusta it's a bit cloudy. Not too cold. Dry. Highs of 84F (29C) expected." Anon via text: "Now you mention him, I'd love to see Miguel Angel Jimenez win this event. Unlikely, but what a character. Imagine that cigar in the winners hut..." 1307: May I ask you to refresh this page quickly? I ask only so you can all enjoy a feast of video action at the top of this page with action, archive material and interviews all available for your perusal. That way, you don't have to read my witterings about almost making it as a pro footballer. Which is nice. LEADERS: -7 McIlroy, Quiros -5 Choi, Yang -4 Barnes, Kuchar Gareth, east London, via text: "Yeh, Leyton Orient WISH they could have someone with your skills."
Damn right! And I cut a mean half-time orange too. Wasted. 1247: The Hoff has teed off! American Charley Hoffman - sporting surely one of the worst barnets on the circuit (think Phil Mitchell meets Terry Nutkins) - gets going in the day's first group alongside Aussie Stuart Appleby and South African Charl Schwartzel, only the latter of which is anywhere near the leaders at the start of play. The tension in our office is palpable. dhr1000 on Twitter: "Watch out for a move from Rickie Fowler today also a bounce back from Ian Poulter." 1243: Plenty more chat on all that jazz to come, obviously, but I must warn you that on the face of it, it looks a quiet start to proceedings today to say the least. Unless you're all big Charley Hoffman fans, of course, in which case your ship has very much come in, people. All the more reason for you all to get involved! Tweet the commentary via the hashtag #BBCMasters, Tweet me @sampatricklyon or text in via 81111 (UK). No excuses. 1239: Of course it's not just about Rory McIlroy today - good heavens, no. For a start, Spaniard Alvaro Quiros shares the Holywood star's lead at seven under, you have the likes of YE Yang, KJ Choi, Matt Kuchar and Ricky Barnes hot on their trail, British names like Ross Fisher, Paul Casey, Lee Westwood, Luke Donald and Sandy Lyle not a million miles away and monster stars like Phil Mickelson and Tiger Woods bang in the mix as well. And that, as Titanic captain Edward John Smith might have said to his first officer, is just the tip of the iceberg. Bonanza. 1234: He says he has. But then I say I had football trials for Leyton Orient as a kid, you know what I mean? "I know better than anyone else what can happen after you lead in the first round of a major," says the Northern Irishman. "St Andrews is going to be big on my mind but I've learned from it and I'll be better prepared to go out and shoot a good score." Is this weekend going to be a big fat red letter day in the life of Rory McIlroy, then, or another lesson on the 21-year-old's brilliantly steep learning curve?
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